Monday, August 08, 2005

I've Got Mail!

Since I started this blog almost one year ago, I've received thousands of emails from good people all over the world. Most of the emails were very kind and from the heart, and I just want you all to know that they are greatly appreciated. As an example of just how thoughtful most of you are out there, I'd like to show you something that came to my inbox just last night:

Subject: thank you

Just a moment of time to say thank you for your service and dedication to our country. God Bless you - and may life bring you the best of everything.

Isn't that nice? Well I'd just like to take this opportunity to publicly say "you're welcome" to Paula (the nice woman who sent me that), and to thank her for the kind words. Thanks, Paula!

Next, I'll share with you a far less typical email- one that I received a while back. I'm sure he's a decent person who means well, but something about his tone made me feel like he might not be a big fan of the United States. Decide for yourself as I answer his email publicly, point-by-point:

From: "hockenbone"

Subject: thanks

thanks for all your courage in fighting GWB's not so secret family fued.

You're very welcome, Sir. I prefer to call it the "Global War on Terror," but we all have our own ways of saying things. I don't know that I'd claim to have any courage, though- I just did my job. But thanks for assuming such a thing. You're very kind!

thanks for helping oust the horrible dictator that our government created.

No problem! I agree that our government is responsible for creating many things in this world (the Internet, ways to fight world hunger, cures for lots of diseases, freedom for those who otherwise wouldn't have had it, etc.), but I'll bet Mr. Hussein's parents had a lot more to do with creating said dictator than our government did. But I'm not a doctor or a scientist, so you may well be correct!

thanks for protecting the saudi royal family and lining dick cheney's pockets once again.

Thank you for giving me so much credit! I feel like I helped to protect a lot of people from a lot of bad things, and of course that makes me feel good. If you were especially concerned for the Saudi royals, then I'm glad to have helped put your mind at ease about that. I, for one, was more concerned about protecting my buddies on the battlefield as well as my friends and family back home, but we all have our priorites. Thanks for assuming wealth and wisdom on my part, but I must confess- I never did make any financial contributions to the Bush/Cheney campaign last year- but- if I'd had any extra disposable income at that time, I think that would have been an excellent investment on my part- Bush and Cheney are exactly what this country needs right now, and I'm glad that you and the vast majority of American voters agree!

thanks so much for not finding osama bin laughin'.

Wow, I could thank you for the same thing, but I actually think it's not a good thing that he hasn't been found yet. Sorry to disagree with you on this one, but I think you and I both should keep an eye out for him- he's bad news, trust me! I think you spelled his last name incorrectly, but who cares, right? The guy's a jerk.

thanks for killing inocent people so you can play out some f***ed up little boy army game that still obviously haunts you to this very day.

I'm sorry, but I think you're thinking about someone else here- never killed anyone (innocent or guilty), never played army games when I was a little boy (but I'll bet that would've been fun!), and the only thing that haunts me these days is the fact that celebrities in California can kill anyone they feel like killing, without having to worry about silly things like "justice" or "rule of law." That's scary, man! If you find yourself leaving a restaurant with Robert Blake, you'd better watch out! He just might have to "go back and get his gun." Whoa!

did your daddy stop the hugging machine a little too early?

My dad never bought me a hugging machine (how much do those things go for, btw?), so he wouldn't have had any way of stopping it- early, late, or whenever. I wouldn't have known those things existed if you hadn't mentioned it- do you still use yours?

thanks for still not getting any pussy.

Once again, you're thinking of the wrong guy. My wife and I own a cat- he's 3 years old and we love him very much. And why would you thank me for not having a cat? I think it's an awesome thing to own a cat! You should go out and get one- seriously!

you suck as a human being for even considering the military.

I know, I know- you got me there. I shouldn't have even considered it- I should have just signed up without ever having given it a thought! Trust me, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have considered it- I would have just done it. You are obviously wise beyond your years, but some of us "slower folks" learn as we go.

what would your little jesus think of your behavior?

Again- wrong guy. I don't have any children yet, but even if I did- I don't think "Jesus" would be the name I'd choose for my son. Obviously, "Jesus" was an acceptable Jewish name 2,000 years ago, but you just don't find many Jews named "Jesus" these days...

you will burn in hell for your deeds.

No argument there- let's just say I was young and needed the money.

f**k you and f**k the marines and f**k republicans and f**k democrats for that matter.

Hey, no need to get political here- even if you are bipartisan! But I am happy to be connected in some way with the Marines (I greatly admire them), Republicans (I admire most of them) and even Democrats (Joe Lieberman is cool, I guess). So thank you!

f**k you!

Wow, you see fit to give me a 2nd emphasis? Over the Marines and all those politicians! Thanks again, Sir!

you arent protecting my family from anything you c**ks**king warmonger.

True- but if you gave me your family's contact information, I'd be happy to protect them! Just showing them a copy of your email would probably alert them to a few realizations that just might serve to protect them somewhere down the road- just guessing here. And please- I prefer "former Army Aviator."

i cant wait till they send you home in a f**kin bodybag!

Well, I don't know that I was in that much of a hurry to get home- but thanks for your obvious concern, and you'll be happy to learn that they sent me home several months ago!

you deserve to die for your involvement in this dirty f**kin mess.

Well, the way I see it- we're all going to die someday whether we deserve it or not. Thanks for the note, and please write again soon!

Well, that was fun- I hope you enjoyed his email as much as I did!

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