Sunday, October 31, 2004
My Letter to John Kerry
Dear Senator Kerry,
Thank you for your interest in becoming our next Commander in Chief. I can see that your military experience, combined with your long and storied political career, has made you extremely "fit for command."
For instance, you used to be just some young kid who accused your fellow officers and sailors of beheading people and/or castrating them- without offering a shred of tangible evidence to back it up.
Now, you merely accuse the soldiers you wish to lead of being grossly incompetent for failing to plan post-hostility operations in Iraq (funny- I worked on such a plan), failing to capture bin Laden when we had him surrounded (wow, you must know lots of secret stuff, because even General Franks says there's no definitive evidence that he was there at the time), and most recently- failing to guard your mysterious explosives. And now you even back up your accusations with evidence- reliable sources like the NY Times and even CBS!!! It's always good to have a Commander in Chief who will go out of his way and even make stuff up in order to "sternly criticize" the efforts of our Armed Forces.
You're totally right about Bush- he was definitely wrong to risk his life by landing on that aircraft carrier in order to thank us for overthrowing Saddam's brutal regime. Did he not realize that it took us 3 whole weeks to get to Baghdad? We should have all been court-martialed for such incompetence! We hate when our boss shows appreciation for our efforts- especially when we don't deserve it. Your leadership style would be much better- hammer us for failures that never happened! That's so cool.
You have certainly come a long way, and you obviously know what it takes to motivate us soldiers to rally around your cause.
Hey, in case you get the job, should I start learning to speak french? I hear those frenchies will be coming to the Middle East in droves once you're elected. They're gonna love it over here- just about every bit of weaponry and ammo that we find over here has french writing on it!
Before I forget- not that it's a huge deal, but you should probably sign that Form 180 (you know- like Bush did), so that we can see your military records and finally get those 2,000 or so questions about your service cleared up. Minor things- you know, like whether or not you were really Honorably Discharged, that whole "collaboration with the enemy while they were actively killing and torturing Americans" thing, all those "well-deserved" medals that you so proudly threw at the White House after you begged for them during your abbreviated Swift Boat gig- just silly stuff like that. We ask all of our "self-proclaimed war hero" candidates to sign it, so please don't be offended. And really, let's be honest- your military service is pretty much the only thing you put on your resume when you applied for this job. So let's just clear everything up and silence all those millions of silly "doubters" out there, OK?
Trust me, we're gonna LOVE working for you.
Given the manner in which you aggressively spat in our faces these past few months (especially this past week) and the way you skewered my "Ghengis Kahn" father who served only two years in Vietnam (as opposed to 4 whole months), you can count on me and the rest of my military brethren for PLENTY of support once you take office.
Look forward to working with you, Sir-
CPT 2Slick, Army Aviator
P.S. I was at OBJ Dogwood with the 101st in April of 2003. Sorry we failed to guard your "forged" explosives. A$$hole.